When commonalities bog you down…

It’s not uncommon to be secluded from the world and to hesitate the wealth of care, and for whatever reason the entire concept behind “love”. Profound by the discovery of such people I found myself in between a trio that didn’t seem to have the traits of lasting long enough to be able to realize that in the end we all did love each other but in our different ways. As long as it’s established that I have a significant role in a sudden burst of aggression, I was dumbfound at some of the revelations that I uncovered from this assortment of minds.

I found it hard to believe that of all the people and all the mistakes I had committed and seen, I was pushing myself in between certain aspects of people’s lives that made them extremely uncomfortable and annoying. I knew that from the beginning of this labelled “friendship”, all in the name of some love and care. It was never intended to be that way, I had my dreams, some stayed as they originated and some did eventually come true. But all of them were insignificant in front of those that I thought were my life. There was something deeper between the two than love, there was friendship. I sure wasn’t going to trample it, I knew what it took to earn that amount of respect, not asking anything in return and to be able to withhold a person who would erupt and consider that giving back any gifts monetarily concealed the pain and agony of the hurting words that came out in spite. I would not let that happen.

I’ve had a life of pain and of being stomped over by a lot of people, it has molded me to the man I am today, but at times going back to the that guy is as good as being the same. I would rather stay alone and die that way then be put down in my current state. There’s always a hindrance to our goal when it almost seems to succeed. Praying and visiting temples never heeded to such silly requests to being accepted as a partner. And being in the middle of such a complicated friendship with only love to her in me is just idiotic at times and yet it seems so worth it. I wouldn’t harm them, I wouldn’t harm their friendship and yet I would be able to stay with the one that I so determinedly believed was the answer to my search in this world. The answer to a perpetual question as to my existence in this dotted world midst such dust of people. I would find my true existence lay in the fulfillment of my heart and my heart was won over by this one person that complexity seemed to have joined.

But why her? Why of all people a person who was hindered in some sort of a way, she couldn’t find it in herself to see anyone who showered care on her to be worthwhile of her tears if it didn’t work out. I shiver at her anger, and she cries at benevolence where it seemed interrupted. All this for a friendship, and I haven’t even mentioned love. Now lies the question of being a part of all this complexity, or the very existence of that complexity in its term. Would it suffice me to be a part of a the trio as just a friend and to suppress my concerns of loosing the only answer I could find to all the harm that was put upon me and vice versa? Would it be wise to intrude in the trio and have the satisfaction of being in the life of  a women that I truly saw respectable after my mother? I’d always imagine, although in a filmy way, that I would be back after a day’s work and all the strain of the day would dissipate at the calmness of her face, and the warmth of her hug. It wouldn’t matter if the world was at war, because I had her and she had me. It was the best part of the day for me. Her feelings would radiate and be felt by me in it’s complete sense as when she wavered from happy to the enormous array of emotions that she’d carry on her face with ease. Her mere presence was sufficient to me and it will always be, for it’s her smile that makes my day.

But all that in vain, as she would never realize that reality of such a wonderful feeling that I had. My emotions are black, and have always remained the same. I show no signs of a pleasant being to her. I for one, fade away in the dark and blend into the excruciating light of the midday sun. It’s all but simple to her, and complicated to me from my side, and the opposite to her. It’s a Rubik’s cube with a deliberate dab of mismatched color. There is no solution to this trio, as long as it exists.

I’ve seen the world, lit it up as my stage now,
Channeling angels in the new age now,
Hot summer days, rock ‘n’ roll,
The way you play for me at your show,
And all the ways I got to know,
Your pretty face and electric soul.

Lana Del Ray, Young and Beautiful


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