As continued from Faith… Part I
In due time however, I was able to piece together the thoughts and memories that ran far ahead than the physical world. I found myself to be dreaming midday of the possible futures that seemed so bright and almost at my reach…. Almost… Until I saw her! Yes, she was the one I thought. It might seem daft that the first girl ever to lay eyes on seems to be “the one”, I wanted to spend my entire life with her, grow old with her. Love, how wonderful yet naive it seemed to be. It seemed so supportive. Every time I had the time and the opportunity to think I was taken aback by the warmth of the feeling that there was someone out there who cared for me. After all we are humans, and my animal instincts seemed to be at forefront, at a time when hormonal ‘locha’ was underway. I couldn’t wrap myself around the fact that there was really someone whom, I had never met in my life, now had such profound impact on the way I behaved.
Yes, things were beginning to change and in ways that I had no control of. My instincts took over when I needed basic survival like food and sleep, and my conscience took over when I was near her, I would not think or indulge in the process of taking decisions or for that matter seem to be interested in the regularities of a teenage life, I suspended my efforts to study, even though I secretly despised the way the entire education system in place and regretted more than anything a customary lifestyle of earning and having to settle down for a decent life with family and et all; I had never stopped my pursuit of gaining knowledge, for it was my understanding that education was a way to impart in us a certain sense of knowledge and understanding of who and what we were, and what our life on this earth meant. Our overall plan was carefully imparted in us in the form a loosely put system, that gauged us on our ability to retain information and to reproduce them successfully. Which although never played an important part of our forthcoming lifestyle, it did provide for a way to be judged by and to be compared to our counterparts.
Comparison was my worst enemy.
Sidelined by my efforts to keep my relationship and affairs afloat, I let the things that differentiated me from the rest to sink rock bottom, my individuality, my pride, and my self perseverance. Here I was, from being brought up from a cucumber school, to which I owe my rule over language , to letting myself go. I never figured that I let the warmth of care affect me so much that it became more of an addiction rather than luxury, it was decided that I would never let go of her side and I revolved around her. And she revolved around me, the world seemed to be a better place, now that she was in it (yes, I stole that line from Moulin Rouge!) We danced, we partied, we fought, we consoled ourselves, we went out, had dinners together, we laughed, we cried, we talked for hours and the best part of them all was that neither one of us took the efforts to even consider studying together. And the results were disastrous.
At the best we barely managed to clear our subjects, we failed in quite a few as well, and that struck a bell on our round of happiness without thoughts. We now had a big problem on our hands. Although I did manage to clear them subjects I always pointed out the apathy of my grades to the college and so intelligently ruled out any of the mistakes that I had committed. I wasn’t one of those who accepted a mistake.
Today however, is different. Today I come out with the real truth behind my bad grades in college, and today I do not wish to hide the truth anymore. It was my utterly foolish behavior that led to this. Priority never played a important role in my life until then. I was a juvenile without a proper heading, no one could stop me, no one knew where I was from dawn to dusk, I was with her and I never attended college as much as I would tend to her. She still lives on in my heart but not as love. But as a costly lesson as to the effects of a love gone bad. That definitely did not mean that I would never fall in love again, I did just after I entered my graduate college…..
Up next: What happens in my second love story….
To be continued…