Faith… Final

So here I am, after a week to finally put an end to a series that has been overly personal about me. Today, I get to unload a burden that’s been a part of me ever since I started writing, like I said  I’ve always wanted to write about the things that happened to me. Time and the right way to express myself were the only factors that played in fulfilling this task. I believe in new beginnings more than any other superficial beliefs, because I have lived it.

The worries of what type of a future I would hold had daunted me until now. I set forth with a clear picture in mind of what I really want to be, and what comes to me naturally. I take pride in doing what I love, and doing it so gracefully despite the hardships. I barely mentioned any other issues in this series rather than love, they are not as influential as this was. Even though the seriousness I showed on them is a bit exaggerated in the previous articles, I learned a lot from them, and in certain ways they led me to the person I am today. I am grateful for that fact. My deep respect for my parents, that’s not outwardly shown as much as one normally would also affected me in ways that seemed strange to me at times. But everything happens for a reason, and with all due respect to those who took interest in reading my previous articles, I present to you my plans for the future.

After giving much thought to it, and the way I had dreamt myself I contemplated the various things that I am interested in and the things I am capable of. I decided I would do Journalism and Mass communications. My ability to write should help in that endevour and I truly hope that I do not get sucked into this normal lifestyle that everyone follows. My thirst for uniqueness is only understood by those that are close to me, and to everyone else I seem as opaque as a brick wall. I have been misunderstood even before they got the slightest idea to who I was and what I was up to. In such a hypocritical society that seems to revolve around the dead fact that grades mean everything, I struggle to set a strong foothold in my beliefs. Constantly reminding myself that there might be a world out there where people were just normal for once. I stand corrected each and every time, one high brings two lows in life and that’s what makes the biggest impact.

If relationships had thought me so much, so did the life of being able to experience different fields of study. I pity those who have their life ahead planned and decked up, as much as it provides security, it does not provide for a exciting life led. What would your grandchildren want to hear from you? That you went to office everyday and did paperwork or typed along the entire day and went home to a wife who’s half interested in the family and half on the gossips going around the community? Is that all there is to life? I don’t ask to be Indiana Jones to be able to have an adventure. But all I seek is a life that’s thrilling. I wouldn’t want to know where and when  I’d be at a particular place. I do not want an itinerary of the day’s progress. I want it to be surprising, for after I get old I would want my grandchildren to look upon me as the greatest grandad ever. It’s not a gift to my grandchildren but a gloriously lived life that I would want to take with me to the grave. I want to be able to be remembered as someone who lived his life to the fullest  not in a grand way, but in a subtly unique way that would bring a smile on faces as I lie motionless in my death bed rather than tears. I suppose that this is a very common wish among those of this century, but somehow most of them don’t put it to reality. Their fear and insecurity in such a life obscures them from considering anything as such. In a wonderful way I was led to a strange belief that seems to have affected me deeply. Suppose the concept of free will be destroyed, and if you were told that the beginning and the end were predetermined. Not that you would be born and would die someday, but as to exactly what your ending was, that would change the way you would behave. Because you now know that no matter what you do, your end is already fixed in a certain way. But what if the choices of what you would do in-between the predetermined time was of your choice? Consider it this way, I have to move from A to B and I can choose to move in any way I please, keeping the points A and B fixed. I can choose the shorter route or opt for a longer route, which is totally dependent on me. Now apply this to life. And the results seem to be questionable. Now that I know a normal lifestyle wouldn’t suit me, I choose a non-conventional path, even though my end is predetermined.

It would seem like a murky and even a stupid choice to those certain few, but I bare in mind that my life is mine and unlike entertainers I am not not up for a free critic debate among people. And that makes my choice ever more firm in my mind. I changed my perspective on a lot of things  with this in mind and now I feel as though I am floating in a place above everyone else. That’s an illusion I do not wish to come out of. It’s this deep and consistent thinking that leads me in a quest to figure out the world to myself. I do not wish to stay at one place. I do not wish to be stable. And at the root of all that, faith plays a determining role as to my success or failure. Failures are what thought me so much, and faith is what kept me from sinking. Without them, I would just be some other guy on the street. A new hope and a new beginning awaits. What better way to close this series than from the ending quote from The Great Gatsby, one of the books I hold so dear to me:

“Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. . . . And then one fine morning—
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

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Faith… Part III

As continued from Faith… Part II

I was now part of Yuvaraja’s college, and I was joined by my schoolmate Venkatram. I found myself pushing towards a life I always regretted. Settling down did not seem to be an exciting thing to me back then, but it seemed as though the route ahead was planned. I would finish my college, get a job and hopefully marry the new girl who was in my life after the previous one left a serious dent in my personal life. She seemed to tick all the right spots, she cared for me like a child and she wanted me to bring changes in myself that even I had thought of but was unwilling to put forth. There was a very strong urge to change myself. I tidied myself and changed my wardrobe. Learned proper respect and lots more. To me, she was imbibed in the changes that I took forth upon me. She had now become a part of me. And I still cherish that fact.

The sense of change had a stronger impact on me when my friend approached me for a short film project. I was new to photography back then and this short film seemed to be a bigger burden that I was asked to take upon. His persistence I should say, paid off, and today I am proud to tell you that our forthcoming film is our biggest production yet. Things seem very bright in that prospect. Here’s a chronological list of the films I acted in:

Annoy me (2011):

Annoy-Me-Website-Poster-Out-now

Telltale (2012):

Telltale_website_cover

 

 

The Abel Photographer (2013):

TAP-for-website

Origami (2014):

origami - Dan Thomson Theatrical poster

Head over to the link below for the list of films or click on the poster to lead you to watch the films.

http://vhbelvadi.com/short-films/

The more I worked on short films the more I realized one truth, I was never cut out for a normal lifestyle and that echoed in my relationships as well. I was never the typical guy a women would want, my approach and thoughts were entirely different, and sometimes I have come to believe that this is the worst part of me. I am a very opportunistic kind of guy, I tend to think of everything I do in a bigger scale, I don’t settle for small. Even in relationships, pun not intended, I want to be able to have a future, and that’s where problems started to arise in my newly found love life. It had no future, and that resulted in fights  and eventually it ended. My last relationship. lasted one year. What made for a surprising turn of events led me to be a changed man, and that man was now facing problems consecutively. My lack of interest in a boring lifestyle led me to not be able to sit in classes regularly and my health wasn’t on my side either, which altogether made me realize that I had fallen back on the minimum attendance requirement. I wasn’t the least bit bothered. There was a strange sense of relief and freedom that came from that bad news. I was relieved of the one thing that bothered me, a college that led me to straight towards a lifestyle I despised!

There was something to this lifestyle that I despised, I wasn’t able to figure out what made me be so. I hadn’t even decided on what type of a life or what kind of a career or study that I would be interested in. There were many things that I had lots of interest on, but those never seemed to be a promising career nor would that make any sense in turning them into a job that paid. By now I had a keen interest in photography and I had developed a certain niche for myself. I knew my style of photography and I tried very hard to refine it year after year. I would keep at it, and photography today, like I say it every time, thought me to be persistent in my efforts. Today those efforts can be seen on http://rselvamphoto.smugmug.com/

If Photography and Short Films thought me persistence then my interest in electronic gadgets led to one very busy schedule of repairs and flashing requests. Currently learning advanced Java and with plans of learning CSS. Plus creating a custom recovery for a Spreadtrum phone (ongoing). I have no shame in calling myself a geek. I love the way I am. If only I knew which lifestyle suited me.

Up next: My plans for my future, and a decision on the lifestyle of my choice….